Terminológia háború

Többször szóltak nekem mostanában, hogy ne mondjam azt, hogy meleg vagyok, hanem azt, hogy voltam. Az angol nyelvű Facebook csoportokban is olvastam olyan vitát, hogy egy megtért keresztény ne alkalmazza magára a „gay” szót, mert nem illik, ráadásul félreérthető is lehet. Aztán, vannak a különböző „oldalúak” (A, B, C, Y, X), eltérő véleményei is.

Tehát, ha merném megmondani azt, hogy meleg vagyok, mit is értek ezalatt? Számomra a „gay” szó semleges, nem sértő jelző, ami azt jelenti, hogy valaki homoszexuális, azaz, hogy saját neméhez vonzódó (SNV) egyén. A három kifejezés azonos jelentésű, az érzésekre, orientáltságra utal, anélkül, hogy valami mást is árulna el, mint például, az illető cselekvéséről, párkapcsolat/á/airól. Ráadásul, mindenki tudja, hogy mit jelent a gay szó, rövid és tömor (a meleg sem sokkal hosszabb), de ha azt mondom (amit javasolnak), hogy B oldalú SNV keresztény vagyok, ki tudja, főleg ha heteró, hogy az mit jelent? (Kipróbáltam az angol barátaimmal, nem tudták).

Tehát, egy keresztény embernek szabad ezt megmondani?

A helyzet az, hogy erről nem ír semmit a Biblia, egyáltalán nem foglalkozik a szexuális orientáltság kérdésével. Csak azt mondja, hogy az a férfi, aki lefekszik egy másik férfival (arszenokoitész) nem örökli Isten országát (I.Kor. 6,9), de vannak olyanok, akik így értik a „gay” szót – mint olyan valaki, aki gyakorolja is a melegségét.

Tehát mit mondjak? Ha valaki azt gondolja, hogy meleg = arszenokoitész, akkor nem vagyok az. Ha azt, pedig, hogy meleg = saját neméhez vonzódó, de itt áll meg a menet, akkor igen.

Vannak olyanok is, aki azt mondják, hogy még azt sem szabad vallani, hogy vonzódom a saját nememhez, mert az identitásom az, hogy Krisztusban vagyok. Szerintem az non sequitur, de fejtsük meg. Teljesen tisztában vagyok azzal, hogy az identitásom krisztusi, meg vagyok váltva, megigazultam, meg vannak bocsátva a bűneim. De az tényleg azt jelenti, hogy semmilyen más jelzőt nem szabad magamra használni? A Biblia tényleg azt mondja, hogy Krisztusban nincs zsidó se görög, nincs rabszolga se szabad, nincs férfi se nő (Galata 3, 28), de az nem azt jelenti, hogy ezek a különbségek nem maradnak fenn a megtérés után. Az identitásom Jézus Krisztusban van, de mégis az marad, hogy angol vagyok, férfi, fehérbőrű, vegyészmérnök, többnyelvű, és ráadásul vonzódom a saját nememhez.

Tehát, ha azt mondom, hogy meleg vagyok, én úgy értem, hogy ez nem az identitásom, nem azonosulás egy bűnnel, hanem egyszerűen egy tulajdonságom, egy része annak, ami jelemez engem.

Magyarok, segítsetek nekem ebben! Mégis angol vagyok, és ezt mind az angol „gay” szóra gondolva írtam. Általában hogyan értik az emberek a „meleg” szót? Orientáltság vagy gyakorlat? Illik ezt használni, vagy nem? Valami mást kéne kitalálni és ha igen, akkor mit?

Írjatok kommentet, de ha inkább névtelenül, akkor e-mail-t ide: lgbthope@vekker.eu

GYIK - 3

I was recently asked by a young SSA dude about how I knew God wanted me to "come out" and give my testimony publicly, and about what consequences this has had for me. This is the letter I wrote back to him:

"Well, I can’t tell you much about the consequences yet, as it has only just happened, but new opportunities for ministry seem to be opening up since then, though not primarily with LGBT, more in connection with the teaching and prophetic ministries I have had. However, most people who have reacted, both English speakers and Hungarians, have been very positive and encouraging, it has helped some to open up about their own (totally non-LGBT related) problems. Most seem to think it is just not that big a deal, particularly young people, in both language territories.

Anyway my story:

I don’t know if you have heard about my background, but briefly. Born in the north of England in 1954, grew up in a small town. Realised I liked boys at the age of 14, same year my mum died. Started sleeping around from age 19 while at university in London. Got saved in 1979, then in 1980, lots happened. I read loads of Christian books, got my PhD in chemistry, got baptised in water, got baptised in the Holy Spirit and spoke in tongues, came out to two people I was praying with, got delivered, and moved to Hungary to do a postdoc (still communist at the time).

I was in Hungary for 18 months, learnt the language, got to know lots of people, including a lot of Christians. Moved back to England in late 1982, got married in March 1983, to one of the prayer partners above. My wife (to be) had in the meantime contacted TfT, so that was my first contact with them, still pretty much in its infancy at the time. My attitude at the time was, I’m delivered, I’m healed, why bother with this support-group stuff? Turned out to be not quite so simple.

I got a job teaching chemistry in the University of Bangor, North Wales, from January 1983, so we moved there and stayed until 1989. I was just out to a few people in church, no support group there. I had to admit finally that I still liked guys and had to deal with it.

Started Bible College in 1989, in preparation for going back to Hungary as God was clearly calling us there. While I was there, my dad died in 1990 and my wife was killed in a car accident in 1991. It was horrible, but I had a few close friends there and they were able help me get through, I came out to a few of them too, which helped.

I moved back to Wales after college, as I needed to recover, but the calling was still there, so I moved to Hungary in 1995. My wife had two kids from a previous marriage, but they were grown up by then, daughter already living in Canada and soon to be married.

On moving to Hungary I decided I wanted to have nothing more to do with LGBT and that God could call me to minister anywhere in the world and in any area of ministry he wanted, except that! So I told hardly anyone for years. If things got bad, I talked to my friends back in England. Up till last year, around 3 people in Hungary knew about my past and my SSA. So, fast forward 20 years, during which I went through loads of crappy stuff from so-called Christians in this country, and ended up really hurt and burnt out. I tried to be a church elder, a pastor, a Bible College teacher, a missionary, and everything ended up falling apart.

Two and a half years ago I started attending my present church, Vekker in the City of Veszprém. I immediately felt at home. Then about 12 months ago things started to happen (finally :-)).

I went to church camp in July last year, and I really started to feel loved and accepted, and started to heal and open up emotionally. It was great! On getting back home I was hit by the most powerful SSA temptations I had felt for years. I struggled for a week, then got angry with God for messing me around and decided I needed to find myself a guy. So I went online and chatted with a few people, but soon the memories came back about how empty and meaningless it all was. I turned back to God, confessed I was rebelling, and he just met me with his incredible love. About a week later, I was at another camp meeting and the Holy Spirit just fell on the worship, it was amazing. Then the Spirit started to speak to me really clearly: it happens, I am Pentecostal :-)

He told me I was being selfish not wanting to minister to LGBT, because although I was doing OK most of the time, there are many who are not and I need to help them. He then told me to come out to my best friend, my pastor and witness to the guy who almost was my boyfriend (a Muslim guy living in Hungary). So I did all three the following week.

Since then I have gradually been talking to more and more people, both here in Hungary and back home in the UK when I visited last winter. God has led me through this really slowly and gradually, so I have been able to get used to the idea. I have had one or two strange experiences, but very little that was negative. So if you want any advice: take it slow, don’t rush it, let God do things in his time. And he will.

I prayed about every step (I am generally very slow at making decisions), and felt God prompt me each time when it was time to make the next move.

Anyway, what I planned was to write a blog and invite anyone concerned to get in touch by e-mail. All anonymous, I would use a false name, in the name of the church, and the leadership were supporting me. The blog was getting hardly any visitors, though, and we were trying to figure out how to reach the target audience.

I remember last autumn I was praying in a small group and my pastor had a vision for me: I was hiding in a cave, and just venturing out occasionally then running back in. He said it was time for me to come one and everything would be OK. I thought: well, at least it wasn’t a closet.

Then things really sped up about a month and a half ago. Our church puts on a midweek meeting once a month, where the pastor interviews someone who has an interesting testimony, and unsaved people are invited. The interview subject was a woman who has had a really hard life, into alcohol, drugs, sex, rebellion, all kinds of stuff, amazing testimony, now she is saved with a husband and kids, and doing great. She was really honest about everything, and everyone was blown away. So the Holy Spirit said to me: now it’s your turn! Go on, talk to the pastor! So I said, well, OK, if he comes over to talk to me, and guess what? He came over, so I told him and he said, OK, I can do the next one.

When I got home, I opened the door and lying facing me behind the door was a leaflet for the Jehovah’s witnesses’ conference entitled: Be courageous! I just laughed at God’s sense of humour.

When I met one of the TfT admins back in January, in the UK, he gave me the e-mail of an SSA guy in Hungary I could get in touch with. So we e-mailed, but we only managed to arrange a meeting in June. We met and he told me about a Christian prayer and praise meeting to be held in the open air on the same day as Budapest Pride, 7 July. So I wrote to the organisers to encourage them, and told them a bit of my story. They wrote back and asked if I would like to give my testimony at the meeting. My first reaction was, no way, I am not ready for that yet. But I prayed about it, got back to them and we arranged to meet, in Budapest a fortnight before the march. They are lovely people, they are not SSA but they have a heart to minister to SSA people, and to stand up for Biblical marriage. As I was leaving, they asked me to pick a calendar from a big pile, and the Bible verse was Psalm 27:14 – Be strong and let your heart take courage! So I thought, OK, I give in. All of this cannot be a coincidence!

So I agreed to give my testimony. The church camp this year was over the same weekend as the Pride, but I wanted to go, as it is a great time of fellowship. On the Saturday, before leaving for Budapest, I arranged with the pastor to tell the church where I was going, as I thought I should tell them too. I just dropped the bomb and left! The meeting in Budapest was OK, though not as many there as were expected. When I got back I was greeted with big hugs and lots of interest about how things had gone. I was sharing a room with three other guys and I thought, now everyone is going to be asking for alternative accommodation. No such thing! Everyone was really cool and supportive. Bearing in mind that Hungary is very much more conservative than the west.

Since then I was also asked to speak at an arts and crafts festival on Jesus and Pride. That was last Thursday, also well received. People have encouraged me about how brave I am and that there really is a need for this kind of ministry in Hungary, as no one is doing anything, and everyone admits that they are totally ignorant on this issue.

So: That is how I believe God guided me, very slowly and with lots of confirmation and encouragement. And that is the way things stand at the moment. The number of visitors to my blog has gone up, but no SSA people have contacted me yet.

God bless you,

Theophilus"